Wedding Bells

Wedding bells ... 8 years ago, I thought that most girls will find the love of their lives if they love unconditionally. Right. Unconditionally. To be honest, I don't really know the exact definition of 'unconditional love' anymore. Perhaps, I understand more about being too optimistic and accommodating in a relationship.

8 years into a relationship, I am not confident to say that I have found the right person to be with. Having said so, I don't think my partner is confident that I am his 100% too (or maybe he does?). People who has been around me long enough would understand why I always have doubts in relationship. Like many other couples, we started sweet and very soon, we experienced a lot of down times throughout our relationship. But, fortunate for us, we managed to make it through again and again and again. With a lot of effort.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. A colleague of mine asked if my partner is going to buy me a bouquet of flower as a present. The first and the only time that I received one from him, was when we started dating in 2001. He stopped giving me flowers, because I told him it was a waste of money. In fact, it was because I felt uncomfortable for he did not buy them with his own money. Right. Now I remember I did not tell him that I don't mind a bouquet or two occasionally as long as they are not too expensive. My second bouquet from him was 4 years after that, on my graduation night. I was hoping that dad would buy me a bouquet, but dad insisted that it was my 'boyfriend's' duty. There. My second bouquet from him, under the pressure of my dad.

I am not too sure if he knows much about me. He is a very careless lover. Maybe, the only thing he knows for sure is that he could get away with almost anything if he knows when to apologies. Smart monkey indeed. I on the other hand, have not been behaving like my usual self as well. To be honest, I do get tired with his insensible approach in relationship. I changed from being very quiet and accommodating to very sarcastic in our conversations. I put nasty words in my mouth when he makes me really angry and put the blames on me. At one stage, I even thought of keeping a log book to record all the stupid things he said and done to me - just so that one day, I can assess whether he truly loves me. How stupid am I, never thought of that would also remind me of all the unhappy times too.

Sounds like we are breaking up? Not really. In fact, it is probably too late to turn back time. Both of us will be walking down the aisle in a year or two. FYI, I am still waiting for the proposal, and our parents have NEVER met.

Now, we have at least another year to straighten things up.

Maybe it is time for us to make up some lost time of happiness. Maybe it is time for us to start finding things that we might enjoy doing together. I know what he likes and loves. I wonder if he knows what my interests are too. For his information, prawn noodles has not been my favourite for the past two years. I rarely wear jewellery except for watches and earings. I love to take pictures of others, and mean time, I love being in pictures with my love ones too, if he cares to be the photographer at times. I do things for several reasons, if he cares to ask. I don't work as a domestic cleaner, I have a day job too. I seriously think his car is disgustingly dirty with all the 'wontons' (used tissues) tucked underneath the driver seat until I offer to pick them up. And I dislike the idea of coming home to a dirty and untidy home after work.

Seriously, I don't even think I mention the word 'Love' in this whole thing that blaaaaa out from my brains. Maybe I don't have to. Because if I have not loved him, I do not have that many to complain about. Right?

Now. About the wedding plan. Where should I start?